Just Because I Do

 I have always loved taking pictures of random objects, not professional ones or those really clear crispy ones. It's actually the opposite, unfortunately. My phone would never allow me to prosper but we move regardless. To me, the quality of the photo is the cherry on top, the syrup on the pancakes, the sprinkles on the ice cream, and the bow on the gift box.

A few months back, someone asked me why I loved taking pictures of random stuff. I didn't have an answer at that time, I blankly stared at him for a minute. I'm pretty sure he must have thought I'm a weirdo or a creep but, to be honest, I was really trying to come up with the perfect answer. So after beating my brains for a hot minute I came up with the answer, one that I had always heard and seen in magazines when renowned photographers were asked such questions. In the sweetest voice, I answered "To capture the moment". Spontaneous right? Such a perfect, classy, short yet sweet answer. But that was their answer, not mine.

I kept thinking about our conversation for the next couple of weeks, particularly that question. The more I thought about it the more it dawned on me that I didn't have any reason for loving the things I loved. Why did I love sketching? Why did I love reading poems? Photography? Why? Why? Why?

This bothered me a lot because what if during an interview someone asks me why photography? why writing? why coding? What would I say? I would lose my dream job just because I didn't know why I loved the things I loved. It was also at this moment that it hit me I didn't know who I was. I was a girl, a student, a sister, a friend, an aunt, and a daughter but all these didn't define who I really was. Saying I've had a major identity crisis ever since would be an understatement. And so I purposed to find myself and my reasons. The quest began.

"I love photography because I am able to capture the story behind the photo. I love photography because I carry a piece of the past with me to the future. In two or maybe forty years to come, I will be able to look at the people or things in the photos and remember how amazing or hectic or fun or cumbersome that day was. I will get to relive that day for just a couple of seconds. I will remember their laughter, their makeup, the song playing softly in the background, the beautiful sunset or sunrise, the joke she told, and our muddy shoes. I get the chance to be young again. "This would be my answer if I was asked today.

I was so proud of myself for solving that piece of the puzzle. It was so satisfying and encouraging that I kept searching for the remaining part of myself. So when Emily Dickinson said "I am out with lanterns looking for myself" I wasted no time in taking a screenshot of these wise words.

But what if I did not find the answers I was looking for? What if the quest for finding my unique reasons was futile? The me back then would have been so devastated and ended up shutting out the world for a week or two because I was unable to give myself the answers that I so desperately needed. 

But the current me would brush it off and move on because, over the years, I have come to learn that not all questions have to be answered and not all answers are worth being known. Sometimes the answers are kept away from us because they will lead to more questions and the questions more answers and soon enough you'll stop living the life God intended you to live because you are stuck in the brutal cycle of searching for answers that cause more harm than good. 

I've come to learn that some things are just meant to be accepted and appreciated with no questions asked. Sometimes it's okay to love evening walks just because you love evening walks. To love the color purple just because it's purple and you can't imagine yourself loving any other color. To love video games just because it's video games and you can't remember loving anything else as much. Not everything needs to have a deep explanation. I love it just because I do is enough explanation.

But don't get me wrong, getting answers to the questions you so desperately need is one of the best feelings ever but at times it's not really worth it. It's not worth the effort, the energy, or the time.

So the next time someone asks you why you love singing, don't spend two weeks looking for the perfect answer. Say you love singing just because you do.