ThAt FrIdaay MoRniNg..

 

You hate yourself with so much passion it scares the world. Everything about you makes you cringe with disgust. You can't help to look at yourself in the mirror and wish you were staring at a better reflection. The scars on your arms don't allow you to wear sleeveless tops and you lock yourself up in the summer to save the world from your ugly scars.

The pimples on your cheeks have forced you to the brutal bondage of a mask and claim you have the nasty flu whenever someone dares to ask. There's always a reason with you, isn't there? You always have it planned out, don't you? Your anxiety would never let you rest. "I can't join you guys for dinner...my cat just died" That's the 7th time it has died this month. "Oh No! I won't make it to the seminar...my car just broke down" Bro, you don't own a car.

You hate yourself so loudly it pushes the ones you love away. The voices in your head scream so loud your whole body shakes.

Loving yourself is a lifelong journey but you can't seem to get started. You've tried all you can to accept and cherish who you are but nothing seems to be working.

Many a time the pain gets overwhelming you cry yourself to sleep and wake up every Thursday morning with red puffy eyes and a headache, now your entire day is ruined and so should everyone else's. Oh, dear!

But I noticed something different the other Friday as we had our breakfast at that old cafe Mother used to take us to. Remember how hard you laughed over that nasty joke we made? It wasn't that funny but it seemed to knock you out. I also noticed you actually cleared your plate. This was quite a shock for me because for all the 20 years I've known you, you have never finished two slices of bread let alone a whole plate. Your eyes were bright and beautiful and seemed to be screaming "I love my life!"  And how can I forget that lovely floral peek-a-boo dress you wore and how majestic your braids fell on your shoulders. You were quite a sight for sore eyes that Friday morning, I must say.

 But, to be honest, I was confused at first, this wasn't the YOU I knew. You weren't the gloomy, hate-my-life, take-my-soul kinda girl. NO! You were different. The girl I talked, laughed, and ate with that Friday morning was an I-love-my-life, Eat-cake, Cats-are-cute kinda girl. And I had to ask, I just had to know what on earth made you so happy. So joyful. 

"I have come to learn something so life-changing that my life could actually NOT NOT change. Something about self-love and acceptance. That self-love is a journey, not a destination. It is a journey that takes dedication and immense commitment. You choose to love yourself even when you are not as loveable. Self-love is soaking in the tub for 2 hours, being faithful to your 20-step skincare routine, putting on clothes that make you cute, or whatever.

 Yes, self-love is all of these amazing and lovely things. But there's more to the story than what we actually tell ourselves. There's an ugly part to self-love that not many people talk about. Self-love is also doing the hard things. Making another therapy appointment even though you cried ugly on the last one. It's apologizing to the friends you hurt and cutting off the ones who don't value you anymore. It's about looking at your overdue bills and paying them instead of buying yourself the cute bracelet you have been dreaming of. Self-love is about going to that 8:00am class after sleeping for barely 4 hours because you know you'd hate yourself some more if you didn't attend it. Self-love is about putting in the work and sweat and tears for a better tomorrow. 

Sometimes self-love is ugly and draining and painful but it doesn't have to be beautiful to be worth it, does it now?"

You sipped your tea.

 I stared at you for about a minute because how dare you speak such beautiful, chaotic words and just sip your tea as if nothing had happened. How could the earth still be spinning and people still walking as if pure words of wisdom hadn't spilled from your tiny mouth, as if my life hadn't completely changed. 

I watched you walk away to your therapy appointment with amazement and admiration in my eyes. "That right there is the greatest lady I have ever met! She deserves a cat, a big fluffy cat"  I said to myself as I walked to the closest pet store.